| The humour of Les Dawson |
|
I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some
sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps
waking up.' I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire. She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark. Duck goes into the chemist's shop. 'A tube of lipsol please.' 'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 'Put it on my bill, please.' I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up. She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause. People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.' By the time she smiles on me she won't have any teeth left. I wouldn't say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply. I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels? There was an old farmer from Greece Who did terrible things to his geese But he went too far with a budgerigar And the parrot phoned the police. I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, 'What do you think I am? A trout?' I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope. Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I've been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he's too old for that sort of thing. So now I'll have to play on the swings on my own. I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.' Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off What amazes me is that so many people think showbusiness is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, it's about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic. No laughs hey? I know the act smells, but I'm right on top of it and you don't hear me complain. I was lying in bed the other morning playing a lament on my euphonium when the wife, who was prising her teeth out of an apple, looked back at me and said softly, 'Joey.' She calls me Joey because she always wanted a budgie. She said, 'I'm homesick.' I said, 'But precious one, this is your home.' She said, 'I know, and I'm sick of it.' He drank so heavy, the only thing that grew on his grave were hops. A letter came from the bank. I could tell it was from the bank as it was written on a wreath nailed to the front door.
|