- The last time I was in Spain I
got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take
enough toilet paper next time.
- I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I
live at 75, so it's no distance.
- Marriage is an investment which
pays dividends if you pay interest.
- My wife said: "Can my mother
come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" And she said:
"Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."
- When the inventor of the drawing
board messed things up, what did he go back to?
- A tom cat hijacked a plane,
stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: "Take me to
the canaries."
- Silence is not only golden; it
is seldom misquoted.
- How can we expect a politician
to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was the
people who voted him in?
- I'm not saying my wife's a bad
cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
- Real happiness is when you marry
a girl for love and find out later she has money.
- People always say: "You're a
comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell
us a lie."
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